A few weekends ago I snuck out of the house - literally, I have a clingy boy at the moment - and I rode my bike to a cafe in the next suburb, sat down, ordered a beautiful salad (which by my definition is any salad you don't have to make yourself) and picked up the Weekend Australian. It was there I discovered this article and laughed ... what a great piece. Hope you like it too...
Terra Maternullius (lit., "a mother of a place"), a principle of law recognising that early motherhood can be terrifying. See also:
Post-navel depression, common disorder of the postpartum period in which flatness of mood prefigures flatness of belly button. (See also: “piercing regrets”.)
McConium, unpleasant waste product resulting from too much PNT (post-natal takeaway).
Burpup Peninsula, a spit of land running profusely from neck to shoulder.
Cul de Suc, any place a weary traveller can rest her nipples.
Prepoosterous, bizarre infant behaviour prior to defecation.
Alibite, any implausible explanation for a child’s bad mood, esp. “teething pain”. (“The paediatrician assured her it was nothing a good exorcist couldn’t cure, but she continued to cling to her alibite.”)
Snorgasm, the overpowering ecstasy of getting eight hours’ sleep. Sometimes related to:
Chorgasm, the less intense (but hey, beggars can’t be choosers) pleasurable sensation associated with uninterrupted tantric vacuuming.
Refluxology, the ancient and utterly apocryphal art of getting what goes down to stay there for a change.
Madame Ovary, a woman so hellbent on achieving a pregnancy, she lives vicariously through her gonads.
Placentrifugal Force, the energy required to dine out on one’s afterbirth.
Proud Paparazzi, unruly hordes of dads with more digital storage capacity than sense.
Boobonic plague, an engorgement of the brain often associated with free-range breastfeeding; rarely fatal, except socially.
Mustitis, a disease characterised by inflammation and swelling of the maternal guilt glands, spread by contact with mothers-in-law, clinic nurses, bossy older sisters and anyone else who tells you you’re doing it all wrong, then advises you to trust your instincts.